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| Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009 | | 4:22 pm |
Oh, hai Stranger...
It's been a while. There was too much whining and bitching and being sad and stressed here. It was time for a break. Summer is coming, let's hope it brings some good times my way... | | Monday, February 16th, 2009 | | 11:32 am |
Clean Slate
2009 you are really pissing me off. Time to turn it around.
Positive thoughts and fingers crossed.
| | Wednesday, January 21st, 2009 | | 11:21 am |
Oh alcohol
My tolerance has lowered from my lack of going out lately. This does wonders for the wallet since if I feel like drinking to get intoxicated it takes far less to do so, but what is not great is the fact that my body metabolizes it differently now. The last few times I've gone out I've awakened in the middle of the night in a sweat. Last night was pretty awful. At almost exactly 3am this happened to me, combined with a mild anxiety attack, and I couldn't get back to sleep for almost 2 hours. I just lay there stressing about everything in my life and trying to fall asleep and being anxious about not being able to fall asleep. I have some daunting tasks ahead of me, and everything that seemed simple is suddenly complicated. I think I'm just one of those people that is unable to relax and let life happen because I worry too much about the failure that could occur instead of the amazing rewards it could bring. Blah. | | Friday, January 9th, 2009 | | 10:41 am |
| | Thursday, January 8th, 2009 | | 10:08 am |
2009....
is not the year of the Thinking, the Planning, the Stressing. as my wonderful best friend David says, 2009 is the year of the DO. cha cha here we go. | | Wednesday, November 12th, 2008 | | 3:23 pm |
To Do list
1. Get Shannon and Dan a rad wedding gift 2. Purge all the excess crap I have in my apt. 3. Purge all the excess crap I have in my life 4. Make a budget 5. Figure out what the hell these feelings are that just bubbled up to the surface recently and how I actually feel about them and the potential consequences 6. Get the new tat started 7. Hockey game 8. Beauty Bash 9. Use the restaurant gift certificates that I got for really cheap 10. Figure out what happens after May 31, 2009 | | Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 | | 10:52 am |
Why I don't go out with the people I work with at the bar
Work sucked last night. It was dead so we got out early, and one of the servers, Rob, is always up in my business because he likes me, so I told him if he bought my drinks I'd go out with him and Tyler. I met up with them at some bar to watch Obama's speech, and then we went to Chicago and Rush where another server, Aaron works. We had a drink at his place and then went out on the street to celebrate. We met some strangers on the street and took some funny pics. Everyone was having a good time. Tyler went and bought a bottle of Remy and chugged it and that's when things took a turn. He threw the bottle and tried to start shit with the people we met on the street, then promptly got arrested. Rob and I convinced the cops to uncuff him and that we would take him straight home. We got in a cab and Tyler starts running his mouth. Rob gets pissed and tells him to cut it out, and Tyler hulks out and starts throwing punches, 3 of which land on my nose. Awesome. I tell the cab driver to let me out, Rob follows me apologizing profusely for Tyler's antics, and I'm just sitting there on a bench at Wacker and State about to cry. So ridiculous. So my nose is swollen and hurts like hell, but I don't think it's broken. Thank god I don't work for a few days because if I had to see Tyler soon I'd fucking lose it. | | Monday, November 3rd, 2008 | | 4:42 pm |
New York was...
Amazing.
I feel recharged. Ready. I forgot what a different type of mentality was out there. I was reminded that some things don't matter as much as people would like to make them out to.
I forgot about:
how you can buy 2 dozen roses from the corner vendor for 10 bucks
fresh fruit stands
how much I love the smell of street meat
Ray's pizza
That it's ok to stay in on a Saturday night, or go to a movie by yourself and that isn't pathetic or odd
Ghetto jewelry stores
diversity
never paying full price because i'm a cute girl :)
sitting in a bar and hearing a half dozen different accents telling stories
that who you date (or whether you're with someone or not) is not the most important thing in the world
fire escape chats
tall as hell buildings within feet of one another
people everywhere, all the time
a subway system that runs 24hours
feeling at peace among all the chaos.
The only things I don't like is the insane price of rent and all those people who feel the need to carry their teapot dogs around with them everywhere.
June 1st kids. Might have to make a change...
And Emily, I went to 305 and Molly Wee and took pics. There's a bikini bar around the corner now where the awesome cheesecake place used to be!
| | Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 | | 1:32 pm |
I'm trying to figure it all out
I'm feeling pretty good about it though. I booked my ticket to go home for Christmas. Well, not really Christmas, since my brother has to work. I'm going out the night of the 19th and flying back Christmas eve morning. I really need to just see my family, Jessie, and Jenny (she's going back to NH for rehab there on November 3rd!!!!! her progess is AMAZING.). 6 days there though is going to be ROUGH. I'm staying here for Thanksgiving, and will be around xmas eve and xmas. I'll probably work at the bar those days. Might as well make money, right? I can't decide about New Years though. I can work, get boozy for free, and make some good money, but have to fight drunks for cabs at 2:30am, or I can go to see the Lawrence Arms. hm. I haven't done anything awesome for New Years in a while, so I might request off from the bar, but it's tough and it probably means I'll work New Years day, which is torturous since it is dead and I'd be hungover. I got time to figure that out. Eric and I got in a stupid fight last night. Sometimes it's hard being friends with your ex, even if you broke up two years ago. The fight was over and done within 2 hours. I'm lucky that he deals with my little juvenile fits well, and he's lucky that I deal with his flakiness well. He still on for being my date to Shannon's wedding next weekend, which should be a blast. And he goes off the Coumadin soon (he had a blood clot in his leg months ago and has been on blood thinners since- I tell him that he's like a 65 year old man) which means he can drink at the wedding. His tolerance will be, as he put it "that of a 98 pound sorority pledge." Hilarity should ensue. I'm really excited to go to NYC this weekend. I told Lauren that I need to recharge my jackass battery. Every time I come back from the East Coast I feel refreshed, like my priorities have been straightened out. especially if I hang out with Jessie. David will have to do this time :) too bad he volunteered us to help his friend move on Saturday. In Queens. Bah. He says I don't have to, but that 'it will be fun.' Yeah, manual labor on vacation is a blast. I may take the day to go meet up with other people instead. I had a real heart to heart with my mom last night about some family things. I guess my 21 year old cousin found a large mass in one of her breasts. She was infected with e coli when she was little so she always went to the same hospital in NH but just recently moved down to South Carolina. She's headed back north to go to the hospital that she's comfortable with to have them chek it out. The doctor she spoke to had her describe it and he thinks it probably isn't a cancerouse tumor, but they won't know for sure until she gets it checked out. Sucks. she went through a lot when she was little, so to have something happen again to her is just awful. Like I said though, we're hoping it's not too serious. Also, Mom told me about some shitty people that were trying to take advantage of my grandmother who is way too generous for her own good, and heading towards senility, so I got really pissed off. If I see them at Christmas, there will be hell to pay. Then I talked to my brother and we talked about Dad a bit. My brother is again not speaking to him, because my father came to NH and blew my brother off yet again to go drink with his 'buddies' and hang out with his horrible ex. My brother wrote dad a 4 page letter about his alcoholism and the people he chooses to spend his time with. We've tried talking to him, but we just get sworn at, or told we're 'jealous' or hung up on, so this is really our only way of trying anymore. We talked about me writing one too and sending them at the same time. We'll probably get nasty voicemails, but it's hard to care about someone and allow them to slowly destroy themselves without saying something. He thinks I don't talk to him because I don't care, when in reality it's just the opposite. I've decided that some friendships aren't worth saving. I've also decided that some friendships are. And I've been dipping my toes in the water lately, but running away because it's so deep and cold. Now I'm going to dive right in ;) | | Monday, October 27th, 2008 | | 12:10 pm |
| | Thursday, October 23rd, 2008 | | 10:15 am |
Intervention
Babs and I were watching Intervention last night. We watched this episode about this guy who was around 50 who was an alcoholic. His drink of choice was Peppermint Schnapps (I know, wtf right?). He had bottles of it in every room, couldn't go to a family function where his sister allowed no liquor, made his daughter feel unsafe driving with him and also would call her mother to come pick her up early from visits with him, not to mention the physical things it was doing to him. Made me relate a lot. I just know that no intervention would ever stop the 53 year old man that I know, and that while I wish I could be there and just deal with the fact that is who he is, I can't watch someone destroy himself. I feel selfish, but I've also been called some really nasty things whenever I've tried to help. So I just stay away. It also made me think when does drinking go from being ok to being a problem? Is it when you drink by yourself? Is it when you drink because you're upset about something and just need to be drunk to deal with it? Is it when you can't go out with friends for a night without blacking out or throwing up? Is it when you just can't face the day (or night) without a drink? It's like having a parent with some horrific genetic disease. You are constantly monitoring yourself to make sure you aren't showing symptoms. And looking at other people you care about and seeing if they are showing symptoms too. It's on my mind too much I think. It's just a path I wouldn't want to see anyone else go down. | | Monday, October 20th, 2008 | | 11:50 am |
my analogy for what it's like going back to work at the wine bar
it's kind of like when you break up with someone, and then you reconnect a few months later. you remember the laughs you had, and those cute little things he or she did, and think 'you know, he or she wasn't that bad'. and then you hang out- and you remember EXACTLY why you broke up in the first place. yeah, this isn't going to be awesome, but i need the money and it's only supposed to be 2 shifts a week (too bad they scheduled me 3 and an on call for this week- qwighbrgiprhbibfejif). also, i think a lot of us could really stand for a Re-do of this weekend. and I am really sick of not knowing what I want. I know everything is going to be fine, but I just want it to be now. Dave wants me to leave. Just pack up and go to NYC. I don't know if it would be a fresh start or an attempt at running away. He told me to schedule interviews while I'm there in 2 weeks. Then I had to remind him I'm only there for 60 hours, and I don't get into the city until 3pm on a friday. no go there. He wants me to give him my resume. He wants to pass it along to some friends. He wants to get me out of here. He says this city is too full of my hate, that I'm too unhappy here. That I need to go back to where I 'belong.' He might just want me in the same city as him, it might be his selfish need to have me around. Or he may be right. Of course, Kasia and her entire family are trying to pull me to the other coast. They say they are my 'base' there. Whatever I need, they'll do it. They really are like a second family to me. Every time I leave them, I cry. I don't do that with my own family. While LA means sunshine and ocean and some really beautiful scenery, it also means a car and lots of fake and completely starting over. I don't know if I'm ready for any of that. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer. That I've just squandered years away. That I lack the ambition one needs to actually do something with her life. That I know I need to put myself out there and try things, but fear holds me back. I don't know, but I do know that I'm not looking forward to another cold, windy, lonely winter here. | | Friday, October 17th, 2008 | | 3:59 pm |
I saw this great quote in the book I'm reading
"Memory blurs, that's the point. If memory didnt blur, you wouldn't have the fool's courage to do things again, again, again that tear you apart."
Here's hoping that memory sticks around. | | Wednesday, October 15th, 2008 | | 4:47 pm |
| | 9:45 am |
It's been a bit
Apple picking this past weekend was awesome. Catherine, Julienne, Catherine's friend Emily and I drove out to Woodstock. Holy crap, it's out there. It reminded me of going to college in the middle of nowhere Ohio. Cornfields and cows and water towers announcing what town you were entering (wtf is with that, anyway?). We picked a TON of apples because you pay for the bag and the bag was ridiculously priced, so we made sure to fill it. On the way home we stopped at a culvers, as I had never been to one. We got butter burgers and pumpkin shakes. We're like fat kids. Sunday my show closed. Most of us went out after for a little bit. I ended up getting home drunk at 7pm. Pathetic. I passed out, literally, around 9. Monday Babs and I went with her roommate Stephanie to get costumes for Babs' party this weekend. Mine was less than 4 bucks. That's what I'm talkin' about. Too bad the one Dave wants me to get for his party is 40 bucks. Ugh. I might just order it anyway and see what it looks like. It's not as trashy looking as some other costumes I've seen, but it's not my usual goofy costume either. Last night Julienne and I made apple pies from the apples we picked. We baked 2 and we still have almost 3 dozen apples left. Oye. Time to whip out the recipe book. Oh, and remember how I said the bar called me last week saying they 'desperately' needed me back? Yeah, well, I emailed and never heard back until yesterday, when I got a text that said 'hey lady, call me as soon as you get this.' so I did and oops, they put me on the schedule and forgot to tell me. I was apparently scheduled to work last night. Yeah, I told them I wasn't dressed appropriately. I'm working friday night, but only until probably midnight. I'll me you guys at the bay after. also, check this, it made me LOL times a million: http://palinaspresident.com | | Friday, October 10th, 2008 | | 2:15 pm |
My show closes this weekend. I'm ready. It feels like we've been doing it forever. It was fun, but it's time to move on. There goes my fickle nature again haha I got a call from the bar last night. They need me back- desperately, and soon. So much for taking a break. Ugh I am NOT working more than 2 shifts a week, maybe 3 if they ask reeeaaaaallllll nice. And I need Sundays off. I need the money but I need to have a life too. Apple picking tomorrow!!! | | Thursday, October 9th, 2008 | | 9:53 am |
Word of advice
Don't try and carry 2 big pumpkins by yourself. The next day everything will hurt. I need to work out I think. Ouch. Caroline, Jen and I carved pumpkins last night while drinking pumpkin pie martinis and watching Ghost Hunters. Here's the martini recipe: http://www.rachaelraymag.com/recipes/mixed-drink-recipes/pumpkin-pie-martinis/article.htmlbut we used bailey's instead of creme de caoco because we couldn't find it at dominicks, so ours were white, not brown. Caroline bought little disposable wine glasses and the bottoms kept falling off and we all kept spilling it everywhere. I was laughing so hard I was crying. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. We cleaned out the pumpkins and baked the seeds, but since caroline bought one of those crappy carving kits from the drugstore and doesnt own regular knives (who doesn't own a fucking knife?! weirdo.) we accidentally broke them and then gave up. Caroline currently has 2 cleaned out pumpkins sitting on her counter. Way to follow through, ladies. I'm getting into the fall spirit. I forgot how much I love this time of year. Julienne, Michelle, Catherine and I are going apple picking in Woodstock on Saturday at this orchard that also has a hay ride and petting zoo. Too bad it's going to be almost 80 degrees and not sweater weather. I wish I'd done more things like this in the last 4 years I've been here, but there's no time like the present, right? I mean, going to the bar with friends is fun and all, but I kind of want something more than that, it's getting a bit old. Or I am, ha. Oh, and when it starts actually cooling down, I'm going to whip out the crock pot I got for Christmas last year that I have yet to use. If you have good crock pot recipes, send them my way. | | Tuesday, October 7th, 2008 | | 3:21 pm |
bulleted list of Awesome
- Going to Long Room with Caroline for beer, conversation, and the photobooth machine
- Carving pumpkins, baking cookies and pumpkin seeds, and drinking pumpkin pie martinis tomorrow
- The Red Sox being in the ALCS and watching it with Eric and his Bostonian friends on Friday
- Going apple picking, on a hay ride, and to a petting zoo (ZOMGZ!) on Saturday
- Closing the show on Sunday
- Getting a haircut next week
- Being asked to be babs' hot date to a work benefit in a few weeks where we get to dress pretty and dance our asses off
- Finding a halloween costume that allows me to be a bit of a trollop while still being fun and original
- Feeling generally awesome
| | Tuesday, September 30th, 2008 | | 4:05 pm |
RAWR
ew, what is my problem today? I'm Moody McSucksAtLife. Dave has been trying all day to get me to lose the attitude and nothing seems to be working. HOW ABOUT THAT i'm also growing a mustache for halloween me: this better not be porn im not in the mood for nonsense today David: i'm just going to stop talking to you David: no you really suck right now try to cheer and brighten your day and you just scowl me: im the scrooge of the world right now aws, i know muffin, and i appreciate it- i know, i suck dont you just have days where it doesnt matter, you know nothing is going to make you happy? David: no cause at the end of the day i still have porn me: oh boys and their superficial ideas of happiness
god who am i lately? geez-us.
and keep your 'looks like SOMEBODY needs to get laid!' comments to yourselves. Fuck that. that's probably the last thing I need right now.
i just need to stop. everything.
game over. i quit. it's stupid anyhow.
tomorrow is nick's birthday. i get to spend time with people i miss and love. and who i think feel the same way about me. and next week is pumpkin carving! with pumpkin pie martinis! and i'm ready for the cold. i really am. | | Monday, September 29th, 2008 | | 12:11 pm |
and here it is
i don't know why, but seriously, every time i boo hoo or bitch about mundane things in life, the universe goes and smacks me back into place. damn google reader, making me feel like an ass again: http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/09/childhood_cancer_awareness_mon.htmlugh. i get pissy about having to pick some shit up, or do a project i don't want to, and this kid is dying of cancer and all he asks for is a fucking piano. i'm such a selfish asshole sometimes. |
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